Prior to escaping my Life Boxes, my life was filled with empty days and endless nights. It was not uncommon for me to lie in bed and watch the clock and my life slowly pass by. I was just existing, most definitely not living. That all changed after one very long night and a heartfelt prayer to my Creator.
May 2014
“I glance at the clock perched atop the chest of drawers on the opposite side of the room and it reads three a.m… Surely, it has been more than five minutes since I last looked at those glowing red numbers! I ponder the eternal question, “Why does time seem to pass ever so excruciatingly slow at night?” This is my new and yet already old routine…watching the clock. Sleep eludes me. In its place lies an anxious mind running a hundred miles an hour down highways and roads I only wish I couldn’t remember. I could take a sleeping pill but sometimes they work and sometimes they don’t. So what’s the use? Glancing over to my husband in deep peaceful slumber I find myself slightly envious. Ok, no. I’m jealous! I want to be the one sleeping and waking up feeling refreshed and ready to greet the day. His head hits the pillow and five minutes later he is out cold. What’s worse is that in the morning, he gets up grabs a cup of coffee and is ready to charge ahead into his day. I always tell him to, “Give ’em hell Baby!” as he kisses me on the cheek, chuckles and whispers “I love you” in my ear. He’s my soldier, my hero, the only man I’ve ever truly respected and deeply loved. My definition of a man’s man, tough on the outside but wonderfully gentle on the inside. He’s so patient with me and my crazy emotions. I on the other hand wake up grumpy, irritable from lack of sleep. Instead of greeting the day I want to hide from it. Every day seems like ground hog day. My life is stuck in this eternal circle of depression, unhappiness and disappointment. All of which are attached to memories of events long ago. Why can’t I just let it go? Move on? I know with every fiber of my being that if I can just get over them then I can free myself from that which is binding me, holding me fast, smothering my joy, my happiness, my drive, my passion for being, for living. I just feel so trapped! I’m stuck inside a life box crammed full of feelings and emotions created from my past experiences which I had absolutely no control over. Every night when the lights are turned off my internal switch is turned on and I start to feel helpless, hopeless.
I cry silently in the vast emptiness of the dark, breathing deeply so I won’t sniffle and awaken my sleeping love. With an intimate knowing out of the covers emerges an arm which wraps around my aching heart. It pulls me closer and holds me tight. He is trying to protect me, shelter me in his loving arms. Gentle kisses caress my forehead and cheeks. He tastes the salt of my tears and whispers, “I love you.” Even in slumber he senses my anguish. Maybe I should just try and pray to my Creator to show me how to get out of these bloody boxes, prisons really. Four walls with invisible bars created from childhood memories. I’m mentally, emotionally and spiritually trapped! Whatever it takes, I’m going to find a means of escape. I’m ready. This is my life damn-it! I’m more than ready to start living, truly living and enjoying life with Alan. Life is just too short to spend it being miserable. I want more. No, I need more!”
The content of this book is the Creator’s answer to my heartfelt prayer that night. I give all the honor and glory and praise to Him for it is truly His insight which inspired me. Breaking the code on these Life Boxes has reinvigorated my life journey! I have found my way to a happier me.
Caya Grace 